That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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