I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Randomize
