Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
