what day is it and did you see me today?
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
