someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
