I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
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