my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
