Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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