260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
