I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Randomize
