How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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