Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize