took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
