my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
I queefed so loud it echoed.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize