I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Randomize
