i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
