like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
