i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
