The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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