She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
