thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Use "feeling words"
Yay
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
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