the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I just gift wrapped bread.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
