well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
