He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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