Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
