His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
