I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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