I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
