Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
