I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
