I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
