beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
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