Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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