how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Randomize
