Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Can I color on your dick again?
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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