you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
