god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
