THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
