I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
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