Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
