I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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