I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
