I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
