The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I FOUND THE LEGS
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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