people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Randomize