Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Randomize
