I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
