getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I checked into jail on foursquare
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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