i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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