I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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