So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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