My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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