well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
