New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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