How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
why is half of my head shaved?
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