I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
