I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
