90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
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