i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize