Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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