is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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