Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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