I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
My bed is full of blood and feathers
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
