yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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