first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
