I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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